Monday, May 23, 2016

So, how about those Afghanis?

We're fifteen years into nation building and probably narcotics trafficking in the "Graveyard of Empires" and Afghanistan is still f#@$ed up. Not to worry, it was f#@$ed up long before we invaded after the 9/11 attacks. We demanded that the Taliban government turn over Osama bin Laden, and they had the nerve to ask us to provide evidence of his guilt prior to extradition. Being the Rule of Law nation that we are, we invaded Afghanistan persuent to the Paperwork Reduction Act.

Nevertheless the invasion worked out fine. In a mere decad we nabbed Osama! Yup, we got 'em. Well, we sort of got 'em. We didn't actually grab or nab him prior to ventilating his face, neck, chest, remaining torso, and about everything else Osama owned with bullets. Then, we nabbed his body and gave it a burial at sea because that's a Muslim tradition.

It's not really a Muslim tradition according to Muslims, but Barak Obama said it was. Who cares, really, we KIA'd that bastard! (Osama, not Obama.) At least we're kinda sure that we killed him. He (Obama, not Osama) released the photo to the media of Osama's corpse. The same photo which oddly enough was a mirror image of a faked Osama corpse photo released a couple years prior to the "pretty sure we got 'em this time for real" photos.

I know, it seems kinda sketchy, but what we can be certain of is that Osama was found shacked up in a windowless three-flat  buildinlg which reflected that all five of his wives shared a particular distain for housework. That we are positive about. For sure.

Oh, yeah, and we also are damn sure that the unkempt dark hulk of a building Osama was ripped to shreds by flaming lead in was located in Abbotobad, Pakistan. Which you will know, assuming that you're reasonably competent in geography, that Pakistan is not Afghanistan. Oops! We invaded the wrong country. Our bad, but we got the right guy! Probably.

Another thing we're pretty darn sure about is damn few al queda honchos were ever killed or captured in Afghanistan. It seems most of them had a Pakistan mailing address and Pakistan is one of our partners in the War on Terror. Weird, huh? Maybe their partners like Turkey in the fight against ISIS? It sure seems like all our partners in the Middle East are inclined to work in opposition to the goal of our partnership. That's weird, too.

So, we are still there occuping the wrong country years later. I'm not sure why, but we are. It seems that we have spent somewhere between $4 to $6 trillion dollars, but who's counting, thus far on this faux pas invasion that now has had us in an ass kicking contest with the alumni of Pakistani madrassas, the Taliban, for fifteen years. That works out to be about $40,983.61 per US taxpayer, but who's counting? Draws are expensive in  the global cops and robbers game. Thanks for playing!

Here's the bad news. It looks like the match is going to end up a draw. How unAmerican is that? Anything that can end in a tie is inherently against American principles. So, the reasonable and mature way to respond is to affix blame. The problem is that there is so much to go around and predominantly it all has a mailing address in the United States with a 20500 ZIP code.

And now for the really bad news, the only time when a vastly superior force fights for this many years and the conflict ends in a tie is when that vastly superior force is fighting against the indigenous people (not insurgents).

Current Conflict Status

Courtesy of Wikipedia
  • Areas in red are controlled by Afghan Army (United States armed and funded)
  • Areas in white are controlled by the Taliban (Probably Saudi funded, another one of our Middle East partners.)