Friday, August 26, 2016

The World in Words





Negotiating and Understanding HAFTA


One American Presidential candidate says, “We HAFTA have free trade exactly as the WTO dictates we HAFTA do it, because we HAFTA make America great again.”


The other candidate says, “I agree, and we HAFTA defend our partners overseas, so we HAFTA bomb more people to achieve peace. Remember HAFTA worlds out to destroy our Liberty, counting me. But the Justice Department says, "I can get out of jail free." You HAFTA love me. Signed Hillary.


The American CEO says, “That sounds great to me but we HAFTA outsource all the labor to compete and we HAFTA slash benefits for every employee below me to support your campaigns but only if you HAFTA taxes on our profits, please.”


The Japanese engineer says, “We can make any product HAFTA size. I don’t even HAFTA squint my eyes.”


The Chinese production manager says, “We can make it for HAFTA rice and you HAFTA sell it for twice the price, but don’t touch it or it will leave you sterilized.”


The retailers around the world say, "We HAFTA close HAFTA locations and layoff HAFTA employees to compete with the World Wide Web or our brand will lose demand and our stock options will drop dead."


The economist puts on a rosy pair of shades and says, "We’ll hire them all back by next year when we're outta’ the red as part-time temps if the market improves, a miracle happens, and we're not in a full blown recession, or all dead from debt, yet. Don't print that last part I said."


The trucker sitting at a diner off I-90 says, "I could make a living at this if diesel were HAFTA price." And a whole trucker chorus puts down their coffee cups at once and chimes in, "That would be nice.”


The manager shouts, "Keep it down in there! I HAFTA call my brother in Pakistan who’s wearing a suicide vest tonight, and it's so far from here I HAFTA dial twice. Jesus Christ!"


The North Korean prison camp laborer says, “I'll HAFTA cut sleeping to two hours you say because I HAFTA ship a million knock-offs to America by Friday.”


The Russian oligarch says, “I can make HAFTA delivery disappear. You'll HAFTA make call to Boris and Natasha, my dear. Is there any more vodka in here?”


The climate scientists in the Arctic says, “I froze HAFTA brain cells I have left to determine, absolutely, and for certain that we HAFTA cut our CO2 emissions or HAFTA planet will drown in the sea, increasing HAFTA solar reflectivity. Shh!, keep that last part a secret, please.”


The research scientists says, "I HAFTA get a government grant to tell you if HAFTA glass is empty."


And the other one says, "I HAFTA get a government grant to tell you if HAFTA glass is full, debatably. Write that seven digit check out to me."


The Pope says, "We HAFTA save the planet. It's all up to us. That's what Jesus said in Matthew 6:25, it's there, somewhere you’ll just HAFTA trust me on this. I'm speaking ex cathedra. Just kidding, but I'm really serious."


The Dalai Lama says, "He has so much compassion, I'll HAFTA blow that crazy Argentinean a kiss."


The Patriarch of the Orthodox Church says, "We HAFTA keep in touch more often, but we HAFTA find a better place to go. I can’t decide which is worse Castro or Guantanamo. You HAFTA Gimme a call, and let me know.”


A homeless dude asks the three guys in silly hats as they walk by, "Hey, brothers, can you spare a dime or get me high?" But they all just keep walking. And Jesus looks down and says, "Now, that ain't right, you HAFTA do the work and less talking. One of these days their all gonna' HAFTA see the Light. Now, I HAFTA go see 'bout a call from a Pakistani guy. Weird, right?"


Fifteen-hundred miles away a Lakota man lights some sage and says, “I don't understand wašíču HAFTA the time they say they love me then take HAFTA land they promised by treaty. I suppose, as long as they leave HAFTA Social Security in our casino all I need understand, is that the Great Spirit has the winning hand. Go on, try your luck. You never know. Press the flashing button. You bet ten and you win! A buck. That's for the buffalo. 


Many days travel across big waters, HAFTA continent of Europe says, “We HAFTA help these helpless refugees” while the others say, “We HAFTA stop these migrants in their tracks” Angela Merkel asks, “Who's gonna pay to send these poor people back?” The European Union says, "Der Bundesbank haben das money sack. Veel HAFTA pay you back. Veel keep track."


Down in the Peloponnese, a distant descendant of Leonidas shakes his head and says, "I'll HAFTA sell more feta cheese to all these Persian chaps. Austerity sucks like bringing Spartan living back." Ain't that a laugh?


The Basque turns to his clansmen, which number twenty to twenty-five, and said, "We HAFTA have our independence to thrive just like the Irish tried.”


An Irishman shout across the English Channel, “You HAFTA be out of your fucking mind! Give us a whiskey, love; I HAFTA get pissed for the night.”


In a desert bunker outta sight an ISIS recruiter cries, “Those who drink alcohol must die. You HAFTA wear this dynamite to kill the infidel who disagrees with Allah or Muhammad to reach paradise. Here we'll HAFTA try it on for size. Now, As-salamu alaykum and good-bye.” 


All that's hidden will HAFTA be revealed in time. Some see the path to peace, others see a violent crime. Let's see what’s happened since the "martyr" committed “suicide” and burned his twenty-one victims alive... Weird, right? They did, now, you HAFTA see the light.



Back in the Land of the Free, the American working man says, “I'm only working HAFTA hours and I'm gonna’ HAFTA get another part-time job by next week. We haven't saved HAFTA money we need for our retirement."


His son says, “I can’t make HAFTA student loan payment this month even HAFTA I move back home. All this debt is fucking bent!”


His wife says, "Screw the government! It seems we can only afford HAFTA house, HAFTA kids, and HAFTA car my mother and father had."


Her father says, “You should kiss the flag and be glad. I HAFTA take a shit and an eight grand pill or can’t go without it. Now, I HAFTA sell the house and car to buy a camper with your mother by my side who can't remember my Goddamn name HAFTA time.”


Her mother says, "Oh, my! Does that strange man HAFTA use such language at the dinner table? Ooh!, I've fallen and can't get up! I'm just not able.”


People look at me and say, "I don't understand HAFTA shit he writes about HAFTA time. I am sure he'd HAFTA be out of his mind, and I am being kind."


And I shrug my shoulders and say, "You HAFTA do the research and the math, then you'll HAFTA come back tell me what you find. Otherwise, you're just one of the blind. Mind that pit it’s deep and wide."


A shout cries out across the countryside, "That's all bullshit! He's full of it!" Then IMF director leans back at his desk, clear his throat, and says, “We HAFTA keep them all drowning in debt. HAFTA clerk checked on our Korean prison profits, yet? We’ll take the gold. Keep the check.”


The Mexican worker says, “What the Hell! I HAFTA cross the border to survive.”


The Immigration officer says, “We HAFTA build a wall and make it a mile high.”


The old East German smiles and says, "Oh, now it's your turn to commit suicide. I HAFTA leave the country tonight. This country's going down the drain; all the leaders HAFTA be insane! Aufweiderzen!"


And the Wall Street broker says, “You just HAFTA keep rolling those dice, HAFTA I take my little giant slice. Thanks for playing so nice. Oh, you lose my friend. You'll just HAFTA come and play again. Now I HAFTA make my dinner date with all the Presidential candidates we’ll talk about the politics that will seal your fate. So long, suckers!”


Little people, mom, and pops worldwide pull out their empty pockets and cry, "I should never HAFTA trust those mother fuckers again!"


The politicians say, “We HAFTA fix the system we fixed again! There we put all those matters to an end. Your money is safe; you just HAFTA put it in like a good American. Yup, it's official, the fix is in."


And all those little people, mom, pops, and suckers around the world sing, “Thanks, we owe you guys and we HAFTA give you all an Amen!” 


Until it all happens again, the only question is when...


So, if someone says you HAFTA do something follow the reason to the root, if you find tyranny, monopoly, or slavery wearing a three piece suit, all you HAFTA do is render them the single finger salute.




LIKE A GOOD AMERICAN


Thursday, August 4, 2016

That was Then, This is Progress




Things have changed over the years in the good old Home of the Brave. It seems that sometime between the Progressive era (1890 to 1920) and the post war years our little Republic started to become an increasingly expensive, unresponsive, and out of touch behemoth running amok. This worrisome development has continued unabated to the present day. As the old maxim says, "Follow the money."

Source: Wikipedia

If you're not a numbers person, how about following your feelings? The most recent report card on how Americans feel about their Federal Legislature shows that approval ratings have ebbed to the current low tide level of 11%. In my estimation, that's on par with North Korea's government or maybe Coke II's consumer response, but not for freely elected representatives!

Aim for the Porch Light!


What gives? We put these jamokes in office and then we despise them? Is it us? Are we really that fickle? Maybe they just spend too much time lying to us on the campaign trail or perhaps we spend too much time believing them. They do put on a hell of a good show when running for office. Then, when they get to Washington DC, it's Welcome Back, Kotter and Maude reruns.


I think the problem is that they don't really represent us. Oh, they need us to get elected, but then for the most part we've served our purpose.


Seriously, think about it, when was the last time you felt anyone in Congress was looking out for your interests?


"That Representative Whatever, he's looking out for my family!" 
"Senator Umptyscratch, she's a gem! I'm going to name my first daughter after her."

Most people would love to shoot out their representative's porch light on at minimum semi-annual basis, (that is the recommended corrective maintenance interval) but that would count as an act of terrorism, and the Judiciary has yet to define  "Justifiable terrorism", although if there were such a thing, this would qualify, in my unqualified opinion. The lawmakers should have preempted the need for a court ruling. That's just another reason to hate the guy or gal you voted for six months ago, but now haven't the foggiest notion why. You remember punching the card next to their name, but why? Oh, yes, because the other person running was Beelzebub.


That's the sad state to which our republic has devolved, we vote against the person who we don't want to represent us. This, sadly, doesn't in any way guarantee that the less vomitous candidate is suitable to carry our voice to the Capitol and they probably aren't suitable for anyone with a gross adjusted income of less than 8 digits. That my friends is the most popular, justifiable, and strikingly forlorn reason that we hate them so much. Our "Representatives" don't represent us? Not even close, not even in the ballpark, and we're not even playing baseball. In truth, we're playing Russian roulette with a single shot bolt-action rifle. Not a satisfying milliue for the "greatest, most free, richest, and most rocking nation on the planet".

But that's what we get Republicans or Democrats. Beelzebub or the bullet. What leaves us with a sense of despondence is we can't effectively express our dissatisfaction without opting out of the political system all together. Sure, there are those other candidates. Let's take a moment to reflect on the field outside of the Prince of Darkness and the person you're going to vote for by default.


  • There's a couple parties that only care about white people. 
  • There's three that are only concerned with black people. 
  • At least a dozen are socialist, or have "socialist" in their name. Every one of them insist that they are the only real Socialists and the rest are bourgeois. 
  • A growing slate are "green" oriented. The Mountain Party is opposed to coal mining in West Virginia. Talk about single issue politics!
  • My former political home, the Libertarian Party is still active and actively going nowhere. I guess freedom isn't as appealing to Americas dependent on those monthly United States Treasury checks.
Not a one of these parties, stand a snowballs chance in the hometown of the candidate you refuse to vote for. We can't take a chance and vote for a third party, because that's throwing your vote away. So, instead, you'll do the prudent thing and vote for what's his name because at least he's not beelzebub. That's a well used vote!

There's no way you would ever vote for Beelzebub, and that's why you did vote for this other guy, a lesser minion of the Dark Realm.

At least he will be after you shoot out his porch light.